Tell me we've all been there ...

We Google someone we know we shouldn't ...

Only to be hurt to see that it looks like they've moved on ...

And we know there are plenty of great reasons it shouldn't hurt ...

But it still does. I hate that it still does.

(Truthfully, it was sort of my e-mail contact list's fault this time, but the result was still the same ... and I have been guilty of Googling before.)


The real me

I made some changes to my Facebook profile yesterday. None of the activities, interests, music ... that type of stuff hasn't changed ... and won't. There's no messing with perfection really.

What I did was decide to just put my true attitude out there. Where it asks you to "Write something about yourself," I, for awhile, wrote something all positive and certain about throwing plans out the window and coming out on top ... but a few hours later, I thought, "That's the biggest load of horse shit I've ever written. I'm feeling negative and sad right now, and why do I always hide it when I am?"

It made me feel better to change it to the honest truth. Kind of cathartic really. These last few years, it's just been weighing on me too much to put on this show ... as more and more I started to realize that the show might be part of what has gotten me to the unhappy place I'm at in the first place.

So, I think what's on my profile isn't going to be so even keeled anymore. For practically my entire life, I've been strong around strangers, acquaintances and many friends, and only let my emotions show to really close friends and family. So 95% of people I knew saw this person who didn't need anybody for anything, and 5% saw what a mess I could be at times.

I would see people being so open about aspects of their life, and I would think, "How could that person even dream of admitting something like that to someone they barely know? How could they stand to look so weak?" But maybe it isn't weakness at all. Now I think I've been the scared one.

My way hasn't been working in my favor. The defense mechanism I built up in about 1983 (from all accounts) has just made me more stressed and solitary ... and wondering why. I always have this extra decision to make about whether I should let someone in. There have been multiple times I've let my guard down and the change sent the person running for the hills. Talk about something stinging.

I guess it's better to not have those people in my life anyway ... but I'd rather find it out immediately, not after I decide to let them in. Not at one of those "at times" moments. Not when it hurts so much more.

I feel like life has been kicking me when I'm down this year, but I can say I have hope that August is going to be better. In August, I'll have the opportunity to start making changes to better my future. I know I'll soon be on my way back to being the kickass girl that I am ... and after already losing someone who had become very important to me, I hope I don't lose too many more of you while I'm not.


Don't try this at home

I figured I should finally paint the back porch of my house while I was jobless, still out of school and have plenty of time ... I've sat and watched baseball for as long as I can without feeling like a worthless piece of crap. Also, the blue bows and country bells have haunted me since January.

Yesterday, I prepped the area, and today, I painted ... with oil-based KILZ to try to banish the remaining cat-pee smell from the previous, idiotic owners.

That stuff stinks ... so at the very end, I have a headache that nothing other than huffing KILZ will give you because the room is not well ventilated. I slapped the last of the paint on the ceiling and floor and got the hell out of there.

Upon going into my bathroom to shower, I see that I am covered in a fine mist of paint on my face and arms. And oil-based paint doesn't come off with water. Lovely.

With a cotton ball and paint thinner, I go to the task of removing the paint from my face. This was NOT a good idea. Paint thinner accosting the sensitive skin of the face burns like nothing I have felt ... yet.

I hurriedly wash my face in the sink to get it off, but it was burning more and more. At this point, I decide the sink isn't working, and I better forget cleaning up any more paint and get in the shower to fully immerse.

First, I grab some bar soap ... still burning. Then, I think, "Yeah, the bar soap is too harsh for your face ... try the Dove." So I smear the Dove body wash on my face (about now, you're probably thinking, "Why don't you try FACE product!?" but I have no facial cleansers that don't have scrubbing beads in them, so that wasn't going to work).

The burn then turns to a "soothing" (HA) cooling burn ... when I realize that the Dove is "fresh mint" scent or some shit like that. With my face on FIRE, I turn to inspect the body wash bottle ... and slip and fall in the shower like an 80-year-old woman.

Somehow the shower curtain kept me inside. I sat there in a daze, thinking, "My face feels like I'm holding it over a vat of steam, I'm terrified to look in the mirror, and now I will have a giant thigh bruise."

The bottle, by the way, said it contains cooling menthol. Nice. Nothing left to do but finish the shower and deal at this point.

By the end, the burn was decreasing a little and there was no rash to show for it. Whew. Now, my forearms remain dotted with white paint, and my face feels like ... a kind of everlasting twitch and tickling sensation. Hope that goes away.

So the moral of the story is: Don't try to use paint thinner on your face. I probably should have seen that one coming myself before attempting it.


Getting up to speed

An old college friend recently inadvertently reminded me that I had been seriously neglecting my blog. Partly that's because it was on MySpace, and I never spend any time on there anymore ... so I created a Blogger account to get back to it.

So here's a rundown of what I've been doing since my last post nine months ago:

1. I was fortunate enough to find a graphic design job in Indianapolis at a small marketing company the week after my last day telecommuting for McClatchy. Talk about timing. Seriously awesome. I commuted an hour each way from my parents' house for the first month and a half. That was seriously unawesome. (Nope, I haven't stopped making up words.)

2. On December 30th, I closed on my house in Indy ... a purchase I had wanted for at least four years prior. Finally things were feeling like they were coming together. About three weeks later, I admitted to myself and others that I fucking hated my new job. What a brilliant plan. Saddle yourself with a mortgage and realize you can't stand your job in a shitty economy. Yep, totally felt good about that.

3. I celebrated my 30th birthday. Hooray. Really, I only say that with a little sarcasm. I was at least back in Indy ... I certainly thought my life would be different now than it is ... but if I were still in D.C., I think the milestone would have caused a lot more emotional turmoil.

4. On May 22, I was laid off from my job. I had lost all respect for the owners of the company by that point and couldn't have been more relieved to be walking out the door. Now a month later, I'm feeling pretty crappy to be such a noncontributing member of society, but I'm still relieved to not have THAT job.

5. I have no desire at all to have another graphic design job, so I'm going back to school. Right now, I'm looking at becoming a dental hygienist, a physician assistant or maybe a pharmacist. I'm not looking forward to going into debt for school since I've made it a point to, and succeeded at, not being in debt for anything other than a house and a car to this point in my life ... but I also can't see myself being miserable at work until I retire.

6. I started dating a really great guy. He's sweet and cute, perfectly sarcastic, gives great hugs ... makes me feel a way that I haven't felt about anyone in a long, LONG time. Spending time with him makes me really happy, but he also comes with as much or more of a problematic relationship history, and that worries me. I seriously hope we can eventually work each other through that, but right now I'm not sure we see our futures the same way.

7. And most recently ... I spent a good eight hours of my life copy pasting my blog archive to start this one. Stupid, shitty MySpace.