The real me

I made some changes to my Facebook profile yesterday. None of the activities, interests, music ... that type of stuff hasn't changed ... and won't. There's no messing with perfection really.

What I did was decide to just put my true attitude out there. Where it asks you to "Write something about yourself," I, for awhile, wrote something all positive and certain about throwing plans out the window and coming out on top ... but a few hours later, I thought, "That's the biggest load of horse shit I've ever written. I'm feeling negative and sad right now, and why do I always hide it when I am?"

It made me feel better to change it to the honest truth. Kind of cathartic really. These last few years, it's just been weighing on me too much to put on this show ... as more and more I started to realize that the show might be part of what has gotten me to the unhappy place I'm at in the first place.

So, I think what's on my profile isn't going to be so even keeled anymore. For practically my entire life, I've been strong around strangers, acquaintances and many friends, and only let my emotions show to really close friends and family. So 95% of people I knew saw this person who didn't need anybody for anything, and 5% saw what a mess I could be at times.

I would see people being so open about aspects of their life, and I would think, "How could that person even dream of admitting something like that to someone they barely know? How could they stand to look so weak?" But maybe it isn't weakness at all. Now I think I've been the scared one.

My way hasn't been working in my favor. The defense mechanism I built up in about 1983 (from all accounts) has just made me more stressed and solitary ... and wondering why. I always have this extra decision to make about whether I should let someone in. There have been multiple times I've let my guard down and the change sent the person running for the hills. Talk about something stinging.

I guess it's better to not have those people in my life anyway ... but I'd rather find it out immediately, not after I decide to let them in. Not at one of those "at times" moments. Not when it hurts so much more.

I feel like life has been kicking me when I'm down this year, but I can say I have hope that August is going to be better. In August, I'll have the opportunity to start making changes to better my future. I know I'll soon be on my way back to being the kickass girl that I am ... and after already losing someone who had become very important to me, I hope I don't lose too many more of you while I'm not.

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