Don't try this at home

I figured I should finally paint the back porch of my house while I was jobless, still out of school and have plenty of time ... I've sat and watched baseball for as long as I can without feeling like a worthless piece of crap. Also, the blue bows and country bells have haunted me since January.

Yesterday, I prepped the area, and today, I painted ... with oil-based KILZ to try to banish the remaining cat-pee smell from the previous, idiotic owners.

That stuff stinks ... so at the very end, I have a headache that nothing other than huffing KILZ will give you because the room is not well ventilated. I slapped the last of the paint on the ceiling and floor and got the hell out of there.

Upon going into my bathroom to shower, I see that I am covered in a fine mist of paint on my face and arms. And oil-based paint doesn't come off with water. Lovely.

With a cotton ball and paint thinner, I go to the task of removing the paint from my face. This was NOT a good idea. Paint thinner accosting the sensitive skin of the face burns like nothing I have felt ... yet.

I hurriedly wash my face in the sink to get it off, but it was burning more and more. At this point, I decide the sink isn't working, and I better forget cleaning up any more paint and get in the shower to fully immerse.

First, I grab some bar soap ... still burning. Then, I think, "Yeah, the bar soap is too harsh for your face ... try the Dove." So I smear the Dove body wash on my face (about now, you're probably thinking, "Why don't you try FACE product!?" but I have no facial cleansers that don't have scrubbing beads in them, so that wasn't going to work).

The burn then turns to a "soothing" (HA) cooling burn ... when I realize that the Dove is "fresh mint" scent or some shit like that. With my face on FIRE, I turn to inspect the body wash bottle ... and slip and fall in the shower like an 80-year-old woman.

Somehow the shower curtain kept me inside. I sat there in a daze, thinking, "My face feels like I'm holding it over a vat of steam, I'm terrified to look in the mirror, and now I will have a giant thigh bruise."

The bottle, by the way, said it contains cooling menthol. Nice. Nothing left to do but finish the shower and deal at this point.

By the end, the burn was decreasing a little and there was no rash to show for it. Whew. Now, my forearms remain dotted with white paint, and my face feels like ... a kind of everlasting twitch and tickling sensation. Hope that goes away.

So the moral of the story is: Don't try to use paint thinner on your face. I probably should have seen that one coming myself before attempting it.

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